Stuart Smalley was a 1990s Saturday Night Live character created and enacted by comedian and satirist Al Franken. Week after week Stuart would invite one of the guests to his Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley self-help show to work through their personal issues. He would always end the show by sitting in front of the mirror and saying to his reflection “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.”
This catchphrase of Stuart Smalley’s found its way into the Redman vocabulary early on in our marriage. This neurotic character made us laugh, but also touched on those places where we aren’t sure if we really are good enough or smart enough and have to remind ourselves and each other that things are going to be okay!
Stuart was also known for saying "I don't know what I'm doing. They're gonna cancel the show. I'm gonna die homeless and penniless and twenty pounds overweight and no one will ever love me."
It's one of those funny/not funny statements because the overstatement is comically obvious and yet I think each of us has this place in our minds where we have a narrative of doom that sounds similar to Stuart’s. For me it often sounds like this:
“I’m not good at business. I don’t know enough. I’m not a good leader. Everyone is smarter than I am. I’m just faking it and someday they will all figure it out and we’ll lose everything.”
Some have called this the “imposter syndrome” and I know enough to know I’m not the only person who struggles with it. My brother, then a pastor of a large congregation, described it like this. “I’m waiting for the day when someone comes into my office and says ‘You? Here? Get back to McDonalds where you are qualified.’” Incidentally, he never worked at McDonalds, it’s just how he portrayed his own version of imposter syndrome.
I think many of us do this dance with self-doubt on a pretty regular basis. We have to make choices to reframe and think differently. But what happens when we make a poor decision or do something we deem stupid, and we pile on a solid dose of shame to our routine self-doubt? That’s always a good time! How do we regain our footing when we really mess up? When we make choices that don’t align with who we really want to be? When we flat out disappoint ourselves and/or others around us?
Recently I wrote about reframing our thinking and choosing to tell our feelings that they don’t get to run the show. That is really important when we face discouragement in the journey. These are true Stuart Smalley moments – the moments we need to look in a mirror and say “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it people like me.” We can laugh at ourselves a bit and find a better perspective.
But what about when we really truly mess up? When we amplify the challenge with true moments of failure, it takes more discipline and energy to realign our thinking and get out of the negative cycle of shame. We find it much harder to look ourselves in the mirror and think good thoughts! How do we move through something like this? My pathway looks like this:
- Own your crap. When you mess up you have to own it. No sugar coating. No excuses.
- Ask for forgiveness from Jesus. He will always say yes if you are owning your crap.
- Ask for forgiveness from people. Usually when we mess up it affects other people so our “crap” requires an apology and a request for forgiveness.
- Forgive yourself. This is sometimes the hardest part of the process and the only way out of shame.
- Find accountability. If this “issue” is a recurring one, don’t try to solve it alone. Find someone you trust who will walk with you and hold you accountable.
As you can guess, I’ve had my fair share of “moments” where I really blew it and had the opportunity to walk this out. Where who I want to be and who I am in that moment are really far apart. The older I get the more frustrating and painful that is when it happens. The more opportunity to feel the shame of “I should know better” or “I can’t believe I said that” or whatever it is. What I know is that the sooner I own it, ask for forgiveness and find accountability, the sooner I begin to move through it and find a way forward.
It turns out we are all human and we all fall short in many ways and at many times. As I process my own failures honestly I find myself getting back to being able to look in the mirror and remind myself Stuart Smalley style “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!”
No matter where you are walking today, the same is true of you.
